i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize