the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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