508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
