I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
