Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
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