I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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