I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
