Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
