From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
