Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I currently don't understand fingers.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
