I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
