Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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