fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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