He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
