We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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