so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
