Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
