this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
