My hand turned me down
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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