My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
