If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
