i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
