After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
