she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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