do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
