You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize