Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
