My liver just broke up with me...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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