Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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