My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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