My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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