I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
