Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
