Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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