If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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