I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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