I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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