I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
