i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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