dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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