His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
