You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
