I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
