winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
