Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
