the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hippo gnu deer
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize