Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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