Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
