I cannot find my penis.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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