I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
