If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
