the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize