I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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