went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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