she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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