the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
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