If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
