why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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