dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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