if you like me you must not know who I am
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
