Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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