You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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