Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
