yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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