She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
