dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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