I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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