Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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