I think my vagina is haunted
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
being pregnant is like rehab
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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