So drunk, too bad you don't want this
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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